Monday, December 29, 2008

Sarah & Emily's Top Ten Pregnancy Myths Debunked

A while back Sarah and I created material for a joint post designed to help future pregnant women (mainly our friend Meighan).  I'm finally posting it!  This is our version of a public service announcement designed to reveal and correct (mainly our own foolish) misconceptions about pregnancy.  Enjoy!!

#1  You Will NOT Finally Have Victoria's Secret Model-Like Boobies
Okay, so Sarah and I were hoping pregnancy would finally give us some awesomely huge boobs (we've been dreaming about this since the 7th grade).  Biggest let-down EVER!  Ours are slightly larger but nothing close to the perfect 'C'; and apparently there's nothing more depressing than your lactation consultant advising you to use a 'nipple shield' cause your newborn can't latch on to your tiny peaks.  

#2  Existing Belly Fat Does Not Magically Dissolve During The 1st Trimester
Sarah's banned from this one, she doesn't know what belly fat looks like.  So if you're a regular reader to this blog than you intimately know the fool who thought early pregnancy would dissolve those last 5 lbs. she was trying to lose.  Or maybe at least shift the weight to the center and form a perfectly taunt, slightly protruding bump (ladies, if you have a small muffin top, first buy some bigger jeans, cause pregnancy will only magnify the condition, not mask it).

#3  Belly Bump Attention Deficit Disorder:  Why Do I Suddenly Have To Carry My Own Groceries?
Everyone says you will love your big round belly and all the attention it gets you.  People will be nicer and more helpful (since I'm not emphatically showing at the moment the idea of stuffing myself with a pillow when I go out in public is very attractive).  Here's the downside per Sarah, after birth the belly goes away and so does the attention/arm rest.  It will be traumatic, brace yourself.  

#4  Fire-Breathing-Dragon-Burn:  Get Ready Cause Tums Ain't Gonna Cut It
Again, 'everyone' tells you to get ready for the pregnancy heartburn.  But no one tells you just how excruciating it can be.  Go ahead and buy stocks in Tums or Pepcid, don't eat spicy foods at night, learn how to sleep sitting up, etc.  Everyone we know has experienced it.  This symptom is possibly one of the many late pregnancy discomforts designed to make you so completely miserable you no longer fear labor but welcome it as a panacea for the cruel and unusual punishment of late pregnancy.

#5  Downtown:  Is Temporarily Closed For Repair
Our male readers may want to skip this one.  Use your imagination on the meaning of 'downtown'.  Funny things will happen 'down there'.  No one tells you that pregnancy increases your 'dampness' or that you will most likely wear adult diapers post pregnancy for a while.  Just another selfless sacrifice you will make for the 'greater good' of your growing family.

#6  Horror-motions:  Psychologically-Scarring Your Husband
This is a mixture of pregnancy hormones combined with your natural emotions, the end results having a devastating affect on the psychological well being of your significant other (gentlemen, brace yourself).  There is nothing you can do to stop or avoid it.  Best thing is to smile and say 'You're pretty' as often as possible.  Oh, and you knew you're wife was crazy when you married her, but you're pregnant wife is a completely different animal.  Just remember she can't always control her horror-motions, she's as powerless as you are (frequent foot rubs will tame her some).

#7  Early Pregnancy:  You're Really Not That Pretty
Just face it.  You look fat.  You feel horrible.  Your face looks different and keeps breaking out.  Nothing about you is stunning.  Avoid taking photos of yourself during this period and if possible avoid mirrors.  On the plus side, in a few months you will look thoroughly pregnant and start getting all that wonderful belly bump attention you so desperately need.

#8  Phantom Bed Bugs And Other Itchy Sensations
Keep your skin well hydrated with body creams cause it's going to start itching like crazy.  Sarah had the itchy feeling so bad she would wake up in the middle of the night convinced bugs were crawling all over her body.  She'd have to take middle of the night baths (that's why they renovated the master bath instead of building a guest house for all those people who want to come regularly to help take care of Baby G . . . not complaining though).  Some say their belly's itched like crazy.  Sarah and I both recommend Mama Bee Belly Butter by Burt's Bee.  However, if you find yourself sensitive to certain scents. . . beware of Mama Bee's cause it's scented.

#9  Suburban Nesting:  A Truly Animalistic Encounter
Everyone says you will 'nest'.  Originally, I thought this meant I would want to paint, redecorate, etc.  But Sarah claims it is a much more primal experience like creating a literal 'nest' of pillows on your bed to burrow into at night like a dog (I've seen Lavender do this).  Sarah found herself vacuuming the ceiling and her kitchen cabinets.  Arranging and rearranging various things (like pots and pans) in order of height.  Buying new cars for 'the baby'.  Shopping, shopping and more shopping.  Basically, very obsessive-compulsive behavior that in only one step removed from the animal kingdom.  

#10  Code Yellow:  There's NO Time To Stop The Car
We're talking about the shrinking bladder and the various stages of Pee Alert.  Just take a look at Exhibit A.  Over time your poor bladder gets virtually crushed by the growing baby (or babies, as in my case).  Sure experts say you will have to pee frequently, but they forgot to explain the dirty details of just how dire the situation will become.  Sarah recommends developing an Alert system when you are out in public or on a road trip.  She used the following system:

Code Red:  10 minute warning, start looking for a gas station.

Code Orange: Pull over to the side of the road, there is just enough time to go behind a bush.

Code Yellow:  The flood is imminent grab a cup now there is NO time.
Well folks, there you have it.  Our civic duty is complete.  Hopefully you enjoyed our list.  Like I said a few posts back, we probably had more fun writing it than you had reading it.  

5 comments:

Amanda said...

On the other hand, it could be the most healthy you've ever been.

You could feel even MORE sexual towards your partner.

You could feel the MOST beautiful and the most physically strong you've ever felt.

You could go month after month without any of the discomfort, aches, nausea, and general uneasiness that so many people warned you about.

It happens.

Zoo Keeper said...

ok. I'll admit it. I'm on the fence about having youngin's as it is. Even thought I pretty much was aware of all of those things... just reading about them AGAIN I think might have just made mde up my mind. Aunt Julie it is. (figuratively that is. My bro is not expecting...)

I do remember in grad school one of the girls in my class was expecting her first. As she was packing for the hospital she was discussing it with the pregnant wife of another classmate who was expecting her second or third... Anyway the "new" mother was all excited to show us her lacy/ sexy undies and matching top to wear in the hospital after she gave birth. Our friend had to stop and explain reality to her - she would NOT be wearing something like that for quite a while, especially while in the hospital. She was mortified! She had no idea what to expect!!!

sarah said...

The part we forgot to say is that it is all SOOOOOO WORTH IT! Now I have this fabulous son, and my husband looks at me with even more respect and wonder. It's fabulous! We truly are miraculous beings---women.

Zoo Keeper said...

Oh so NOW you decide to throw that tid bit in... gee thanks Sarah!!

; )

Meig said...

I'm not getting Victoria Secret model boobs???

Well, then forget it. What's the point?!?